“Fake it til you make it!”
I’ve heard this phrase spoken often, in various settings, meant to be sage wisdom to help us feel less like a fraud in whatever role is causing us anxiety. It makes sense, given how many people report suffering from “imposter syndrome”, that therapists, teachers, and mentors might suggest their protégés take this path as a means of treating this affliction.
I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on the power of our posture towards ourselves and others, towards life, and suddenly this common teaching didn’t sit well with me anymore. Truthfully, I’ve often suggested to clients, supervisees, students, friends, and even family members without realizing the destructive posture it feeds and upholds.
Let me give an example. When I suggest to a new therapist-in-training that she “fake it til she makes it,” I’m telling her to pretend to be more knowledgeable, more wise, more equipped than she really is. I’m teaching her that if she shows any sign of weakness, fear, vulnerability, or incompetence in front of clients, she’ll be no better off than food for piranhas, that it will ruin any chance she has at establishing credibility and a trusting therapeutic alliance with new clients. But what if that’s not actually true? Strong and genuine therapeutic alliances are instead built on people showing up authentically and honestly What if we taught students it’s okay to admit in humility that you’re new at this and in training”? I believe this would mitigate future self-of-the-therapist issues and burnout among other professional issues.
What if we showed up in our roles as spouse, parent, employee, therapist, client, professor, or student with a posture of humility that recognizes and openly acknowledges we don’t know it all? What if we focus more on really being present with people and less on whether we are saying or doing the “right” thing? I believe human connection is so much deeper and more powerful when people show up to the relationship with their fully authentic selves rather than a façade that paints a nice-but-inaccurate picture of who we are and what skills we possess. The thing about façades is that eventually they fall apart, and the person behind the mask is exposed. When this happens, it more often than not damages any trust previously established, because the relationship was built not on the truth but on a lie.
See, the danger of adopting a “fake it til we make it” attitude is that it sets us up to view ourselves extremely pridefully, which makes us blind to the reality of who we are. We overestimate our goodness, our skills, our strengths, and we dismiss and brush off our weaknesses, areas where we need to grow. We stop seeing ourselves as learners when we prematurely see ourselves as already the experts.
I suggest that teaching a posture of humility will go much farther toward preserving people’s mental, emotional, and spiritual health than the “fake it ’til you make it” approach. I know shifting away from the
fake it” posture embracing humility has been a game-changer in my own mental health, and I see positive effects on my work in the therapy room, with my children, and in my marriage.
How was this possible? In my experience, the grace of God has a lot to do with it. As Paul David Tripp puts it, “Grace frees you from faking what you don’t have and boasting about what you didn’t earn.” There’s so much space to be honest about what we don’t have, what we don’t know, and where we are still learning!
So, if you’re feeling stuck, paralyzed by fear of getting it wrong, or burning out underneath the weight of trying to maintain your façade, maybe give humility a try and see where it takes you.
References
Bravata, D. M., Watts, S. A., Keefer, A. L., Madhusudhan, D. K., Taylor, K. T., Clark, D. M., ... & Hagg, H. K. (2020). Prevalence, predictors, and treatment of impostor syndrome: a systematic review. Journal of General Internal Medicine, 35(4), 1252-1275.
Tripp, P. D. (2014). New morning mercies: A daily gospel devotional. Crossway.
